Hey peeps! We had a busy week, but we’re taking solace in sunshine and our friends.
The fine folks at The Tit Store are in the process of trademarking a few things. In theory? Fairly simple. You apply, some other stuff happens and BOOM. You’re set.
WELL. That was hardly what we encountered.
Before we get into it, we want to sincerely thank the officer that worked on this file. They did a really great job of being thorough and they were just doing their job.
So we apply for trademarks in the U.S. and in Canada. As you know, our company is The Tit Store. We’re looking to trademark the term Tit Tee. Our good friends down south get back to us after a quick eight months. We’re STOKED.
Then we open the email.
“Applicant’s mark, TIT TEE, appears to consist of or include matter that may be immoral or scandalous.”
At this point, we were basically sure this was a joke??? We were like: “Great Recess reference, United States Patent and Trademark Office. We love The Ashleys too.” But we read on, bemused.
“A mark is scandalous when the evidence demonstrates that a substantial composite of the general public (although not necessarily a majority) would consider the mark to be scandalous in the context of contemporary attitudes and the relevant marketplace.”
Ah, yes. Scandalous in the context of contemporary attitudes and the relevant marketplace. AH, YES. The contemporary attitude being that people just doing a chill browse through the trademark database might see the word “tit” and keel over. We must protect their sensitivities.
Then they just start straight Sassing™ us. They send us dictionary definitions of the word “tit”. LIKE WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW. But not just one link. Oh no. There are 18 attachments to this email. Eighteen definitions of “tit”. Three of which are in SPANISH. Like… Thanks.
We read on, weary from all the bullshit, only to find that the constitutionality of nixing scandalous trademarks is currently a case in the U.S. Court of Appeals. We have truly waded into some wackiness.
Breathless now, we reach the end of this email. Our trademark application has been suspended at least until the court case has been reviewed. If it’s defeated, then “tit” still may be too immoral / scandalous to trademark. If it goes through, the application will be reviewed.
But enough about us. Here are some live trademarks in the database we think are “scandalous” and we’d thought we’d showcase. We repeat, LIVE TRADEMARKS IN THE DATABASE. Enjoy™.
- Dr. Penis (Cosmetic surgery services.)
- Copy Me! Penis Casting Ultra Kit (You make a plaster mold of your wang.)
- Small Town Dicks (A production company.)
- What dat dick do? (Shorts, sweatpants, sweatshirts, t-shirts, etc.)
- Face Tits Ass (Various clothing items.)
- Broke Ass (“Alcoholic beverages, except beer.” That’s verbatim.)
- Why does everyone not like smart asses??? Is it because they like dumb asses better??? (BUMPER STICKERS, among other things. Yes. Seriously.)
- Go fuck yourself (Various clothing items.)
Yes, these are all real. They are all live in the database.
We hope the court case goes through sometime in the next century so we can continue to SHOCK AND OFFEND PEOPLE WITH THE WORD “TIT” but also keep working to make our communities a better place through charity and our work.
Thanks for reading this week again. We’ll catch you on the flip side.
The Tit Store
(ALSO, this real trademark application, this whole saying is the NAME of the trademark:
Here's to cool, cool chicks, from a cool, cool town
Takes a bad muther fucker to slow me down
Can't handle my apples, don't shake my tree
Can't handle my apples, don't fuck with me
THIS IS REAL. It’s for short sleeved and long sleeved t-shirts. Nothing more. Nothing less. What a time to be alive.)
P.S. we advise against googling any of the above trademarks.